Saturday November 18 2023
"Mental Habits and Such: A Thought Dump" Should I add titles to my entries?
Hi, I haven't written here in a long while. I've still been exercising and I think I'm showing muscle mass now. Kind of late, probably, but still. It's not much, but I think my chest is getting more defined. I've been trying to break some mental habits like being judgemental of alt-girls. It sounds odd, yes. When I say judgemental, I mean getting kind of annoyed at seeing them. I guess I'm kind of making progress? Sometimes I may feel like I'm making no progress.
Other habits include things like getting annoyed at nearly anything on the internet, for some reason. It makes me feel kind of like an outcast for not enjoying many of the things that others seem to enjoy. I don't like a lot of the memes today, not to sound like "wrong generation," or anything. I especially don't really like Twitter (or X now) for the humor I see on it, but I only ever saw a few people. I'm not talking about ALL of Twitter, I mean this certain "area" of it, if that makes sense. Almost any sexual meme, or well any sexual meme, I don't like. Yeah, I guess I'm a prude.
I guess I just do not like sexual humor. It seems like everyone enjoys them, though. An example of such a meme would be the "tired after sex" meme. I guess I also feel like girls would be put off by me for being this way, for having a stick up my ass. Look, almost any meme of 2023, I will not like. I don't think it's even to be a contrarian, I guess I just don't like it. Maybe I am a contrarian. I think part of me feels like an idiot for this, and I think I should feel like an idiot for this, that it's good for me to feel like an idiot for this. Why would it be good? Because I'd be humble about myself with these opinions.
Another habit is judging people by their profile pictures, mainly people with aesthetic profile pictures or Hello Kitty profile pictures. These make me think of... yeah, alt-girls. I've tried to imagine them being nice to me on a messaging app. For actual pictures of alt-girls, I might try to imagine them being nice to me and not disliking me for all these things about me. I imagine these things because I've been reading this book called Psycho-Cybernetics, and one of the techniques is to imagine images of yourself. It said that using your words to change your behavior isn't very effective, and that images are more useful.
Yet another weird habit that I would probably get hated on for (and maybe I say that just to save my image) is that I get bothered/annoyed when women draw sexual images? I know, it sounds fucking stupid. I think I can almost "feel" girls hating on me for that, if that makes sense. I think it's kind of like the feeling of a large weight on your back. I think I tried to suppress this annoyance when I saw an example of this on another site. I don't know why! I think it feels like things are tangled up inside me, right now.
But today, I felt like I no longer cared enough to change my behavior. I know that sounds bad, and I know I should feel bad. I should! Do I? I don't know. And there, I doubted myself for saying "Do I? I don't know," thinking that it was just an attempt to make myself look better than I am. Maybe the reason I felt like I no longer cared was because my "mental muscles" were and are fatigued from trying to stop my behavior. It sounds like armchair psychology, I don't know. I think I'm really slipping up on trying to stop this behavior. I should feel really bad, but... I don't feel that bad? I should care more.
I sound crazy, don't I? Well, not enjoying this stuff makes me feel like I have a stick up my ass, as I said before. A friend on Discord told me that I'm allowed to dislike what I dislike. He also said that if anyone besides my family or friends thinks I have a stick up my ass, why would I care? "Unless they are friends, or close people to you, why would you care?" My sister also said that I shouldn't care if anyone thinks I'm annoying for disliking lots of memes today. I sound like an idiot saying that. I think I should feel like I'm stupid right now. I don't know, I feel like it's safer to feel like an idiot so that I'm not overconfident. I don't know how to word it.
My sister told me how someone she knew did not give a shit what people thought of him. She told me about him as an example. She told me to gain some more confidence (in an encouraging way).
Another person on neocities once told me that I shouldn't sweat it if I don't really agree with most people my age. I'm not trying to say I'm special and different from most people my age. Sometimes I feel like I don't like my generation (Gen Z), for some reason. Again, I'm not trying to say I'm special. In fact, I once felt like I was at the bottom of my generation.
You see, I've recently felt "undesirable" for all these traits of mine. There are probably a lot more examples of my "behavior" or "undesirability." These examples are mainly my reactions to insignificant things, negative reactions. Right now, I guess I'm feeling pretty good, but I wonder if I shouldn't be feeling this way because of my "bad" traits, including the ones I mentioned here.
Sometimes I doubt my "good" thoughts or behaviors. I often feel like any "intelligent", "open-minded" or "good" thought I have isn't real, and that I only "think" them to make myself seem better than I really am. I may even doubt this doubt, meaning that I feel like this doubt of my "good" thoughts is also an attempt to seem better than I really am.
There are other "bad" traits or mental habits of mine, but they're not on my mind right now, I guess. This one guy on Reddit had a pretty lengthy conversation with me, and I felt kind of grateful for that. He seemed like he actually cared about what I had to say and wanted to talk to me. We were talking about the things I just mentioned, plus other things in my mind, such as how I do not like hookup culture and how I'm prudish. I recently got worried if I was going to end up trying to control what people do. I hope I'm not like that. Do I really hope so? I don't know, I feel kind of... blank? Not really in a bad way, but it doesn't feel good either. I guess this "blank" feeling leans towards the negative side just a little bit?
I'm gonna be 20 soon. I recently felt like I wasn't ready to be 20. I felt like someone like me shouldn't be 20. I think I still kind of feel that way. I mean, a 20 year old with habits like these? A mind like this?
I think I'm supposed to feel stupid, like I should feel stupid. I should feel close-minded and judgemental, it'd be good to feel this way because I'd be showing self-awareness or something. For some reason, I see these feelings as positive things for me, things that affirm me. It sounds ironic, but, I don't know. I think I feel like I should... dude, I don't know what else to write. My brain probably needs rest, or something. Maybe then I'll feel those negaitve feelings.
I saw a diary entry from another person on NeoCities. I got judgemental of the mental health part (this is one reason I might feel undesirable), and I felt like siding on the person who wronged them? It wasn't a terrible wrong, but still. This is an example of how I seem to always have the wrong reactions to things. I feel like many people wouldn't like me for this.
Well, I guess I got what I wanted, haha. I wanted to feel bad about myself, and... I guess I do. I feel like I'm mentally 16 again, even though I'm 19. I feel ridiculous, but I think I also don't, like I'm lying? But I did feel ridiculous! Well, I guess I should feel ridiculous, prowling around for any examples of "girls drawing sex," as dumb as it sounds. You KNOW that sounds dumb, and I feel like I'd get laughed at. Again, I'm feeling that "weight" on me, where it almost feels like people are already ridiculing me and seeing me as ridiculous.
On the bright side, I made a pretty good track recently. Another one, but I haven't published it, and I kind of lost it from converting it into an ambient track and then saving the file that way.
I'm paranoid that my track can cause hearing damage and brain damage. It's not incredibly loud, like noise music or anything, but I'm still worried. It might be questionable for me to keep it published anyways.
Sometimes I feel like the fact that I have way more views than followers means people on here don't like me because of what I've written in my entries. One person did unfollow me a long time ago, and that made me worry about myself. I guess they didn't like me. I wonder if that one other person who told me not to sweat wouldn't like me anymore, either.
See ya later.